Saturday, September 26, 2009

15 things I learned at Patrick Swayze movie night

1. Point Break and Roadhouse are basically the same movie. One just involves surfing bankrobbers while the other involves a tai-chi practicing, philosophy degree from NYU holding bouncer.

2. Keanu Reeves is terrible. Also, he apparently hates dogs.  Conversely, Patrick Swayze is pretty cool and inexplicably polite.

3. Surfing is so expensive it forces a bunch of pacifist hippies to rob banks dressed as ex-presidents.

4. The Narrator from The Big Lebowski was once the most feared bouncer in Jasper Missouri.

5.  Only together can Patrick Swayze and Keanu Reeves defeat the Red Hot Chili Peppers.

6.  "Pain don't hurt."  Unless said pain comes from someone ripping your throat out and throwing you into a river.

7.  The FBI employs not only Neo from the Matrix but also that one guy from Predator 2 and Dr. Cox.

8.  Falling polar bears will knock you out for a few minutes but you'll be perfectly fine afterwards.

9.  While undercover with a group of bank robbers, it is best to use your real name.  Especially when you are a famous college football player from Ohio State.  Additionally, surfers in California will immediately recognize you as a college football player from Ohio State and invite you to join them in a friendly football game/gang initiation.

10. Telling someone you are going to kill them the old fashioned way means you are going to shoot them.  It makes sense to say this after trying to kill that same person with a knife and your bear hands. 

11.  Meatball sandwiches are delicious.  So much so that eating them prevents you from noticing a bank robbery.

12.  Jasper Missouri has a single musician who just so happens to play at every bar in town.  That musician is Jeff Healey.

13.  It is a very good idea to jump out of an airplane with a bunch of bank robbers who know you are an undercover FBI agent.  It will not end badly.  Not at all.

14.  Mess with the one rich guy in town and he'll firebomb your house, blow up your hardware store, kill your best friend, run over your cars with a monster truck, sic an evil version of Patrick Swayze on you, and cause some trouble at your bar.

15.  It is possible to identify bank robbers as surfers because they have tan lines.  In California.

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