How Research Works: 42

"42"

JUNIOR GRAD STUDENT

What is the answer?

SENIOR GRAD STUDENT

To life, the universe, and everything?

JUNIOR GRAD STUDENT

No.  Where is the coffee machine?

SENIOR GRAD STUDENT

42

JUNIOR GRAD STUDENT

They took the coffee machine because of budget cuts didn't they?!

SENIOR GRAD STUDENT

Um... 42?

How Research Works: 41

"FUN WITH FORMATTING"

SENIOR GRAD STUDENT

As soon as I hand in this paper you'll be the senior student in the lab.

JUNIOR GRAD STUDENT

Say it isn't so.

BRIEFLY FREE FROM ACADEMIA

Its not as exciting as you think.

SENIOR GRAD STUDENT

I can't wait to have an excuse for my bitterness.

ALMOST A POST-DOC

There is that.

BITTER SENIOR GRAD STUDENT

I'll take my small victories when I can get them.

POST-DOC

Remember those.  They become less and less common when your the senior student. 

How Research Works: 40

PI's OFFICE

GRAD STUDENT
I got accepted to that fMRI bootcamp at UCLA in July, but I just found out my cousin is getting married during that time.  I guess I can re-apply for next year?

PI
Or you could go to the bootcamp.

GRAD STUDENT
But my cousin is getting married...

PI
It is an honor to get into this program.  You are making the wrong decision if you don't go.

GRAD STUDENT
But my cousin is getting married... You would miss a family member's wedding to go to something that happens every year?

PI
Of course I would.  To succeed in academia so should you.

GRAD STUDENT
...

GRAD STUDENT
I'm not going to the bootcamp.  There isn't any money for me to pay for tickets anyhow.

PI
I would pay my own way.

GRAD STUDENT
You realize this thing happens every year right?

How Research Works: 39

THE LAB

JUNIOR GRAD STUDENT
Do you want to get some lunch?

SENIOR GRAD STUDENT
I don't think I have time to leave campus.  Unless you want to get pizza delivered...

JUNIOR GRAD STUDENT
Oh.  I thought we could go somewhere on campus.

SENIOR GRAD STUDENT
You intend to dine on the finest of nonexistent foods?

JUNIOR GRAD STUDENT
I'm sure I have no idea what you are talking about.  Have you been watching Game of Thrones again?

SENIOR GRAD STUDENT
Yes.  But more to the point, there isn't anything open on campus until August.  Turns out university dining services cares as much about us as the rest of the university.'

JUNIOR GRAD STUDENT
Starbucks!  Coffee!

SENIOR GRAD STUDENT
I know.  I'm so sorry for your loss.

How Research Works: 38

THE VENDING MACHINES- 5PM

MIKE
Did you sign your work study form?

IKE
Yep.  I now owe the department 88 hours of office service.  Which they will demand when I am on the verge of a nervous breakdown I'm sure.

MIKE
Funny how that works.  We aren't allowed to enroll in summer classes, which prevents us from applying for loans, which means we end up owing the department time served.

IKE
I think we can enroll in summer classes.  We'd just have to pay tuition... thus eliminating the point of the loans.  Its a catch-22.  Just not the good, literary, kind.

MIKE
Its like we're indentured servants or something.

IKE
You say as you pay for a candy bar sold by the University with a debit card supplied by the University attached to an account that contains money given to you by the University.

How Research Works: 37

LAB: 4PM

MASTERS STUDENT
I'm so glad its summer!  I can run around outside and not worry about classes!

PhD STUDENT
Summer?  Outside?

MASTERS STUDENT
I think I'm going to go to the beach tomorrow!  Want to come?

PhD STUDENT
Beach?

PhD STUDENT
If I give you some flyers, will you hang them up around the outside world?  I need participants for my study?

MASTERS STUDENT
Don't you think of other things besides research?

PhD STUDENT
Other things?

How Research Works: 36

CAMPUS DINING ESTABLISHMENT: 1PM

PSYCHOLOGY GRAD STUDENT

Question.  Why are the prices so much lower in the summer?  

CASHIER

Its simple supply and demand really.  There is less demand over the summer we have to adjust the price accordingly.  We also have less overhead because we have to employ less people and buy less ingredients when we're not serving 15,000 people 3 times a day.

PSYCHOLOGY GRAD STUDENT

...That actually makes sense.   A very good answer to my sarcastic question.  Thank You.

CASHIER

No problem.  My post-doctoral work was in the economics of universities.  Turns out this job is significantly less soul crushing than academia.

How Research Works: 35

THE LAB: 4PM

CHIPPER UNDERGRADUATE PERSON

I got you something for helping me get into grad school!

BITTER GRADUATE STUDENT

Is is poison?  A bomb?  Some time of poison bomb?

CHIPPER UNDERGRADUATE PERSON

No!  Why would you say that!?

BITTER GRADUATE STUDENT

Because I helped you get into grad school.

CHIPPER UNDERGRADUATE PERSON

You're so funny!  Its a t-shirt with a brain on it!  Because you like brains! 

BITTER GRADUATE STUDENT

A year from now, when you are knee deep in grad school, I want you to remember that I warned you about what you were getting into. 

CHIPPER UNDERGRADUATE PERSON

Don't worry!  I think I'll enjoy grad school!

BITTER GRADUATE STUDENT

Try to remember that optimism a year from now.

How Research Works: 34

FACULTY PARKING LOT: 10AM

CAMPUS POLICE
You can't park here.

GRAD STUDENT
But I work here.  Look I have a faculty pass and everything.

CAMPUS POLICE

This lot is for commencement parking only.  If you have a pass you can't park here today.

GRAD STUDENT
Is the other lot open?

CAMPUS POLICE

All parking on campus is for commencement only.

GRAD STUDENT
So... nobody who works here is allowed to park on campus today.

CAMPUS POLICE

That is correct.

GRAD STUDENT
I guess it figures that commencement would be as big a disaster as everything else around here.

CAMPUS POLICE
You have no idea.  Do yourself a favor and stay far away from the fountains today.

How Research Works: 33

LAB MEETING: 2PM

ADVISOR

So I noticed the world didn't end over the weekend.

STUDENT

Didn't it?  Macho Man Randy Savage died.

ADVISOR

I'm sure I don't know who that is.  Anyway... we should come up with a summer research plan.

STUDENT
I thought we had already.

ADVISOR
I wanted to add a few more things.  You aren't going anywhere this summer right?

STUDENT
Not anymore obviously.

How Research Works: 32

LAB: 2PM

JUNIOR GRAD STUDENT
Did your plumbing situation get fixed.

SENIOR GRAD STUDENT
Not really.  They decided to just raze the house.

JUNIOR GRAD STUDENT
That sounds... rather extreme.

SENIOR GRAD STUDENT
Well.  In the grand scheme of things, not really.  Since I've been in grad school I've been kicked out of a place, had a place burn down, left a place after the landlord descended into madness, and lived on campus.

JUNIOR GRAD STUDENT
Um...

SENIOR GRAD STUDENT
Living on campus was the worst.  By far.  Compared to that, this is nothing.

JUNIOR GRAD STUDENT
Everything about your life terrifies me.

How Research Works: 31

GOOGLE WAVE: 10AM

GRAD STUDENT

I'm going to have to stay home today to deal with a major plumbing disaster.

RA

Should I still run subjects?

GRAD STUDENT

Of course.  You don't require my supervision anyway.  If there are problems, just blame them on me and I'll deal with them tomorrow. 

RA

Should we still have the lab party today?  I bought in all kinds of food.

GRAD STUDENT

Food? Is running water more important than food?  

RA

Is that a rhetorical question?

GRAD STUDENT

Sadly.  I don't think so.

How Research Works: 30

ON THE PHONE: 8AM (LOCAL TIME)

JUNIOR GRAD STUDENT

I don't think I'm going to be able to come home this summer.

PARENTAL UNIT

But isn't your stipend only for the 9 months?

JUNIOR GRAD STUDENT

Nobody told the department that.  I don't get paid but I still need to be here.

PARENTAL UNIT

Huh?

PARENTAL UNIT

Grad school seems like a scam sometimes.

JUNIOR GRAD STUDENT 

You have no idea.

The Education Bubble

There is a notion out there that the next economic bubble to burst will be in education.  The longer I stay in grad school, the more obvious this becomes.  Heck, the SUNY system (including Stony Brook) provide a pretty good case study in where things are starting to go wrong.   Its sort of terrifying actually.  I have a lot to say about all of this, though no time to organize my thoughts presently.  With any luck, I'll be able to write something substantial in the next week or so.

I stumbled upon a Frontline documentary that provides some perspective on where higher education is, and where it might be going.  The issues we're facing are actually much larger and much more pervasive than just the rise of for profit universities, but the documentary is still worth checking out.  This sort of thing is one of the reasons why the "How Research Works" posts are becoming increasingly cynical.

Watch the full episode. See more FRONTLINE.

How Research Works: XXIX

THE LAB: FRIDAY

(Nobody is around)

(Undergrads are studying for finals)

(Grad students are working from home)

(Professors are doing whatever professors do when not in the lab)

(Seriously, what do they do when they aren't in the lab?)

(They do leave the lab... right?)

(...Right?)

How Research Works: XXVIII

THE LAB: 8AM

JUNIOR GRAD STUDENT
Ugh.  So I spent the night here...

SENIOR GRAD STUDENT
Congratulations!  Everyone should do it at least once.  The students here before me practically lived here.

JUNIOR GRAD STUDENT

I heard about that.  Is that why there is a recliner in the experiment room?

SENIOR GRAD STUDENT

I think that chair is just there to trick subjects into thinking our experiments aren't all incredibly torturous.  I think its full of asbestos or spiders or something actually.

SENIOR GRAD STUDENT

I prefer the lab couch whenever I spend the night here.

JUNIOR GRAD STUDENT

That explains why our PI mentioned that she need to get a longer couch now that she has taller graduate students.

SENIOR GRAD STUDENT

Yeah, she is always looking out for us...

Research Tumble

I've decided to start cross posting the "How Research Works" posts to a Tumblr blog.  I'll be revising and updating the posts I've already made on here for awhile, but I'm sure posting will sync up eventually.

http://howresearchworks.tumblr.com/

How Research Works: XXVII

A SEMINAR ROOM: 10AM

FULLY TENURED PROFESSOR

Today I'll be talking about the future of academia...

SENIOR GRAD STUDENT

Oh good.  I have a bunch of questions.

FULLY TENURED PROFESSOR

...Specifically how there isn't one.

SENIOR GRAD STUDENT

Wait.  What?

FULLY TENURED PROFESSOR

There is no future in academia.  Not for any of you.  Not for this university.

SENIOR GRAD STUDENT

I think I'm going to go have an existential crisis in my lab.

How Research Works: XXVI

THE LAB: 5pm

JUNIOR GRAD STUDENT
Man.  Presentations sure are stressful.  How do you deal with all the anxiety?

SENIOR GRAD STUDENT
Whenever I get stressed about something like that I just remember that I'll be here forever.

JUNIOR GRAD STUDENT
Wait.  How... how does that help anything?

SENIOR GRAD STUDENT
Just think about how most of your efforts won't  immediately result in anything tangible.

JUNIOR GRAD STUDENT
But they will later right?

SENIOR GRAD STUDENT
Eh.  By the time you graduate there probably won't be any jobs in science left.  Janitors make more money than us anyway... so no big loss I guess.

JUNIOR GRAD STUDENT
...!?

SENIOR GRAD STUDENT
Please try not to have an existential crisis in the lab.  We wouldn't want to upset the janitors.

How Research Works: XXV

OFFICE HOURS

STUDENT
Can I ask a question

BITTER TEACHING ASSISTANT
You already did.

STUDENT
Huh?  Anyway.  All of my grades are the same, that seems unlikely statistically.

BITTER TEACHING ASSISTANT
And you think I made a mistake.

STUDENT
Pretty much.

BITTER TEACHING ASSISTANT
It says here you aced every single exam with a 100%.

STUDENT
See!  All the same!  Unlikely!

BITTER TEACHING ASSISTANT
Immediately, and without another word, remove yourself from my office.